Consulting Articles
John Glover
Origins of the Internet - Courtesy of the original founders (end of this document) Performance measurements: All about the Ks (KRIs, KGIs and KPIs) "Too many birds on the wire": From analog to Digital Telephony |
Blogs:
Tamsen (Thomi) Glover
Blogs:
November 2020:
WHY CONVERSATIONAL INTELLIGENCE IS A CRITICAL CONSULTING SKILL -- PART ONE:
Few people would argue that we are in stressful times, or that Covid doesn’t appear to be going away anytime soon. Further, most of us recognize that this indefinitely stretching future state is stressful in all kinds of ways.
Though doing business through a variety of on-line platforms is by now common place, many of us long for the face to face relationships that have been our primary way of consulting with our clients. Several of my clients have said that they find it almost impossible to “read” other people on ZOOM or whichever platform is being used. When we can’t “pick up” the “vibes” from others, as we have become accustomed to doing, probably quite skillfully, we feel we are at a real disadvantage in forming working partnerships.
Fortunately there is another approach that we can learn to improve our shared understanding and overall communication. And that is “Conversational Intelligence.” Many people have heard of emotional intelligence, that combination of skills that Daniel Goleman defined as self awareness, self management and relationship effectiveness. But the overriding question remains “How does my communication demonstrate these critical skills? And what can I do to create better partnerships with my clients? This is where conversational intelligence comes in.
Our brains have been evolving for many thousands of years. Our Neanderthal ancestors’ brains differed from ours in one primary respect. Their limbic brains and amygdala which is the back and lower part of the skull were highly sensitive. They needed to “know” when danger was close and when it was time to get away fast! They were obviously pretty good at that because they survived and evolved and eventually homo sapiens dominated. The critical difference in homo sapiens is the development of what is called the prefrontal cortex, that front part of the brain where our thinking resides, and our trust response.
Now every coach and consultant has learned about the essential role of trust in the client relationship. What we may not have learned is how the amygdala, that back part of our more primitive brain, can derail our prefrontal brain and trust building capacity in a heartbeat when we begin to feel threatened in any way; by business uncertainty and anxiety or mixed messages from others, never mind how much Covid-19 induced anxiety we are carrying. As the late Judith Glaser, the guru of conversational intelligence, says, “When we feel others want to own us or own our power - we fear harm and cannot open up with honesty.” (Conversational Intelligence p 55) ISBN: 1937134679.
As consultants whose task it is to partner with our clients we absolutely need shared trust and honesty. But if we are all walking around with a heightened sense of anxiety and fear - what then?
We need to move from “I “ (me as consultant, with lots of knowledge and of course the need to be successful) to “We”. There are three common conversational blind spots. The first blind spot is that we usually have solutions for client problems and unfortunately most humans have a high need to be right. In fact some say we are addicted to being right. Being right provides us with a dopamine high - feels really good - right? But what if I’m not? Blind spot 2 is failure to realize that when we feel anxious we release cortisol which closes down the prefrontal cortex - our thinking place. No problem solving or decision making there. Blind spot 3 is that, in addition when we think we know or recall what someone has said we actually recall what we have been thinking about what the other person has said. We therefore miss the connection.
In order for our own and our client’s internal dialogue to be firmly rooted in accurate communication we need therefore to ensure we have actually communicated with our clients, that we have actually understood one another. Work on those bind spots becomes essential.
“Tune in” to part two to see what we can do to improve our chances of understanding and being understood….
Thomi Glover, MA, MDiv, CMC, PCC,
December 2020:
WHY CONVERSATIONAL INTELLIGENCE IS A CRITICAL CONSULTING SKILL -- PART TWO. Building “we” relationships.
Last month I explored the critical role of conversational intelligence in effective consulting. We saw the way the amygdala, or lizard brain that has been with us for millions of years impacts not just what we do, the old fight or flight pattern, but also what we are able to hear and how we can move into trusting relationships. Without trust our clients are highly unlikely to want to work with us. Without trust our clients don’t see us as being “on their side.” How we communicate is critical for others to getting out of the lizard brain and into the prefrontal cortex where thinking, not just feeling, resides. And so it is critical to building trust. Further there is an old saying; “I know you think you heard what I said. But I’m not sure you heard what I meant.” And this goes on all the time. Just think of any interpersonal “argument” you have had - invariably miscommunication is part of the problem. To complicate things further different words mean different things for different people, never mind the inflection we might consciously or unconsciously use. Putting all these things together it is amazing we have any effective communication at all!
So what can we as professionals do to improve our client relationships, shared problem solving and mutual success? Fortunately there are some things that work, at least some of the time. First we need to create a shared understanding of success. Even if we think we have the perfect solution for the client’s challenge we need to ensure we have a shared understanding of what the challenge actually is and how important it might be. This requires open and mutual conversation where our clients feel safe in sharing their concerns or problems. One question I like to use is “If there was one thing that could really make a difference to the success of your team or organization what would it be? And what difference might that mean for you personally?” And the way we ask these questions is critical. We are tonal creatures. Our Neanderthal ancestors communicated with tonal sounds long before they had language. Anyone who has a dog knows how the animal responds to and expresses tone. How we say what we say makes a critical difference in what our clients hear, the extent to which they feel safe in sharing their challenges and ultimately to the way they can trust us or not. If our tone is the least bit too assertive let along aggressive, that can create fear and defensiveness, not the kind of partnering we need for “we” rather than “you” or “me”.
A similar conversational approach can be used with a team whether it is two or twelve. Ask each person on the team to talk about what success in their enterprise would look like to them, the difference it would make in how they did their job. And stay quiet and listen! Resist the urge to jump in with great ideas until everyone has spoken. Our deep listening speaks volumes about our willingness to really partner, not just create more business. Listen for where you hear the energy in people’s voices. Some people might be reluctant to speak up at first. Take the time to make it safe for everyone to acknowledge how they experience their challenges, especially if they fear that they might appear personally inadequate. Don’t let your own (I really need this contract…) amygdala high jack you into being reactive. Are our clients experiencing us as their legitimate partners in addressing a challenge?
And as I noted last month we need to be aware of the level of fear and anxiety that is simply “in the air” right now. Among other things it means we need to take extra time and extra care to build trusting relationships. Nearly everyone these days goes around with a heightened amygdala. Building trust, moving to the prefrontal cortex, takes time. Finally I believe that the additional conversational intelligence we can build now will serve us well in the days ahead - perhaps in ways we can’t even imagine. And if this kind of thinking is helpful to you, please feel free to contact me. It is a skill that we can all learn.
A final Quote: “To get to the next level of greatness depends on the quality of the culture, which depends on the quality of relationships, which depends on the quality of conversations. Everything happens through conversations.” – Judith E. Glaser
Thomi Glover, MA, MDiv, CMC, PCC,
AUGUST 26TH, 2024
RELATIONAL AND CONVERSATIONAL INTELLIGENCE HAS NEVER BEEN MORE CRUCIAL
As a Management Consultant with Maynestay Consulting Group Ltd., and Executive Coach, I have long been aware of the crucial importance of selfunderstanding and self-management for building and maintaining effective relationships. Rarely do any of us “appreciate” ourselves the way others experience us.
So, what I want to explore is how the intersection of conversational intelligence and relational intelligence shows clearly what we can do to improve our professional and interpersonal interactions. Conversational intelligence shows us how our emotional reactions, instilled by centuries of experience going back to our Cro-Magnon ancestors, are shaped by our immediate emotional and often subconscious reactions that drive our thinking and behavior for better or worse.
Though Millenia separates us from our very ancient ancestors, our physical and emotional reactions continue to illustrate our ancient history. At the top of the brain stem (at the back of our skulls) sits the “amygdala”, the important response organ that alerts us to fear or feelings of safety. The instant fear response was critical for our ancient forbearers as it alerted them to the presence of imminent danger…(think “the wooly mammoth coming out from behind a rock”)… Facing the danger, they could either flee or fight… hence our expression of “fight or flight”. Survival depended on instant “sensing” and then decision making… ”Do I run or fight?”… literally a life and death decision. We are still here millions of years later because we learned to pay attention to what we saw, how we felt and what our options were for survival. We are still here because we learned to sense, interpret and act.
That critical decision making takes place in the prefrontal part of the brain based in part on the information that comes from the amygdala, or lizard brain as I like to call if. All of this happens at lightning speed, usually below our rational levels of consciousness. It is not surprising then that we experience people who have high levels of fear as being noticeably more reactive than they would be otherwise.
Now what we also know is that in times of fear and anxiety we are typically much more prone to listen to the lizard brain, becoming less self-aware and typically more reactive, not just to significant threat but also, to situations that might otherwise not bother us. Just think about times when you are experiencing significant stress for whatever reason and how upset or angry you become over something that ordinarily wouldn’t bother you at all.
We’ve all been there…with our teams, our colleagues and our families and friends. And the “kicker” is that we are all having to learn new things at an alarming rate beyond what our brains are actually “programmed” to do. Boyatis from Case Western, an authority in this field, said recently that he wondered how many people could even get out of bed in the morning. Just think of a recent situation where your self-awareness and self-management really “let you down”. Sound Familiar?
In addition, years of research has shown the ways in which we have “go to” patterns of interpretation and behavior that impact our relationships, our effectiveness and our personal and professional competence. What we know is that these deeply embedded pattens are shaped very early in our lives, some say even in utero. All this means is that we each have patterns of thinking, feeling and wanting shaped both by our inherited physiology and our earliest psychological and emotional experiences. Small wonder then that we often find ourselves shaking our heads in confusion as we try to navigate our professional and personal lives.
Notice that I said patterns of thinking, feeling and wanting. And as we develop language and awareness of ourselves and others in our early years, we create internal and usually subconscious responses shaped to a greater or lesser degree by these patterns. These patterns typically function at a subconscious level and determine how we live into and communicate our individual thoughts, feelings and decision making. What a potential minefield!
Now the good news is that we can learn to interpret behavior and language so that we can begin to appreciate both our own patterns of thinking, feeling and decision making and those of our friends, colleagues and family members.
Armed with this kind of information and awareness we can, if we choose, make appropriate choices in the interest of relationships and organizational effectiveness. Years of consulting and coaching have shown me repeatedly how such awareness can be “the difference that makes the difference” - both professionally and personally.
Not surprisingly, feedback systems have been developed based on large amounts of trustworthy data that can show us how our usually subconscious thinking, feeling and wanting shapes our behavior and language which is then experienced by others for good or for ill. We don’t know what we don’t know. But when we can learn to understand our own internal interpretation and go to communication styles, we can then make more mindful and appropriate choices.
This can make a significant difference to interpersonal and team relationships which then impact “the bottom line” however you choose to determine it. And because we also know that personal and organizational stress carries a huge cost, being able to learn how to understand ourselves and others in the interest of interpersonal and organizational effectiveness is increasingly important.
Now this is not a “sales pitch”. But that said, the first step is developing awareness of ourselves and others through behavior, language and choices. Those of us who work in this field are typically accredited in working with feedback instruments and interpretation that leads to deeper self-awareness and appropriate choices. I personally get deep satisfaction in helping clients understand themselves and others which usually creates healthier and more productive relationships, both professionally and personally.
Finally, what “we” also know is that this kind of awareness and selfmanagement is even more critical in stressful times. And that ongoing stress seriously aggravates reactive behavior. No one would deny that we live in extremely stressful times. My experience has shown repeatedly that this kind of self-awareness can help each of us navigate more effectively.
The byline for Maynestay Consulting Group, is “Navigating purposefully through turbulence and change.” Though we chose this many years ago it has never seemed more apt.
Thanks for reading. Tamsen Glover, CMC, PCC, M.Div.
WHY CONVERSATIONAL INTELLIGENCE IS A CRITICAL CONSULTING SKILL -- PART TWO. Building “we” relationships.
Last month I explored the critical role of conversational intelligence in effective consulting. We saw the way the amygdala, or lizard brain that has been with us for millions of years impacts not just what we do, the old fight or flight pattern, but also what we are able to hear and how we can move into trusting relationships. Without trust our clients are highly unlikely to want to work with us. Without trust our clients don’t see us as being “on their side.” How we communicate is critical for others to getting out of the lizard brain and into the prefrontal cortex where thinking, not just feeling, resides. And so it is critical to building trust. Further there is an old saying; “I know you think you heard what I said. But I’m not sure you heard what I meant.” And this goes on all the time. Just think of any interpersonal “argument” you have had - invariably miscommunication is part of the problem. To complicate things further different words mean different things for different people, never mind the inflection we might consciously or unconsciously use. Putting all these things together it is amazing we have any effective communication at all!
So what can we as professionals do to improve our client relationships, shared problem solving and mutual success? Fortunately there are some things that work, at least some of the time. First we need to create a shared understanding of success. Even if we think we have the perfect solution for the client’s challenge we need to ensure we have a shared understanding of what the challenge actually is and how important it might be. This requires open and mutual conversation where our clients feel safe in sharing their concerns or problems. One question I like to use is “If there was one thing that could really make a difference to the success of your team or organization what would it be? And what difference might that mean for you personally?” And the way we ask these questions is critical. We are tonal creatures. Our Neanderthal ancestors communicated with tonal sounds long before they had language. Anyone who has a dog knows how the animal responds to and expresses tone. How we say what we say makes a critical difference in what our clients hear, the extent to which they feel safe in sharing their challenges and ultimately to the way they can trust us or not. If our tone is the least bit too assertive let along aggressive, that can create fear and defensiveness, not the kind of partnering we need for “we” rather than “you” or “me”.
A similar conversational approach can be used with a team whether it is two or twelve. Ask each person on the team to talk about what success in their enterprise would look like to them, the difference it would make in how they did their job. And stay quiet and listen! Resist the urge to jump in with great ideas until everyone has spoken. Our deep listening speaks volumes about our willingness to really partner, not just create more business. Listen for where you hear the energy in people’s voices. Some people might be reluctant to speak up at first. Take the time to make it safe for everyone to acknowledge how they experience their challenges, especially if they fear that they might appear personally inadequate. Don’t let your own (I really need this contract…) amygdala high jack you into being reactive. Are our clients experiencing us as their legitimate partners in addressing a challenge?
And as I noted last month we need to be aware of the level of fear and anxiety that is simply “in the air” right now. Among other things it means we need to take extra time and extra care to build trusting relationships. Nearly everyone these days goes around with a heightened amygdala. Building trust, moving to the prefrontal cortex, takes time. Finally I believe that the additional conversational intelligence we can build now will serve us well in the days ahead - perhaps in ways we can’t even imagine. And if this kind of thinking is helpful to you, please feel free to contact me. It is a skill that we can all learn.
A final Quote: “To get to the next level of greatness depends on the quality of the culture, which depends on the quality of relationships, which depends on the quality of conversations. Everything happens through conversations.” – Judith E. Glaser
Thomi Glover, MA, MDiv, CMC, PCC,
AUGUST 26TH, 2024
RELATIONAL AND CONVERSATIONAL INTELLIGENCE HAS NEVER BEEN MORE CRUCIAL
As a Management Consultant with Maynestay Consulting Group Ltd., and Executive Coach, I have long been aware of the crucial importance of selfunderstanding and self-management for building and maintaining effective relationships. Rarely do any of us “appreciate” ourselves the way others experience us.
So, what I want to explore is how the intersection of conversational intelligence and relational intelligence shows clearly what we can do to improve our professional and interpersonal interactions. Conversational intelligence shows us how our emotional reactions, instilled by centuries of experience going back to our Cro-Magnon ancestors, are shaped by our immediate emotional and often subconscious reactions that drive our thinking and behavior for better or worse.
Though Millenia separates us from our very ancient ancestors, our physical and emotional reactions continue to illustrate our ancient history. At the top of the brain stem (at the back of our skulls) sits the “amygdala”, the important response organ that alerts us to fear or feelings of safety. The instant fear response was critical for our ancient forbearers as it alerted them to the presence of imminent danger…(think “the wooly mammoth coming out from behind a rock”)… Facing the danger, they could either flee or fight… hence our expression of “fight or flight”. Survival depended on instant “sensing” and then decision making… ”Do I run or fight?”… literally a life and death decision. We are still here millions of years later because we learned to pay attention to what we saw, how we felt and what our options were for survival. We are still here because we learned to sense, interpret and act.
That critical decision making takes place in the prefrontal part of the brain based in part on the information that comes from the amygdala, or lizard brain as I like to call if. All of this happens at lightning speed, usually below our rational levels of consciousness. It is not surprising then that we experience people who have high levels of fear as being noticeably more reactive than they would be otherwise.
Now what we also know is that in times of fear and anxiety we are typically much more prone to listen to the lizard brain, becoming less self-aware and typically more reactive, not just to significant threat but also, to situations that might otherwise not bother us. Just think about times when you are experiencing significant stress for whatever reason and how upset or angry you become over something that ordinarily wouldn’t bother you at all.
We’ve all been there…with our teams, our colleagues and our families and friends. And the “kicker” is that we are all having to learn new things at an alarming rate beyond what our brains are actually “programmed” to do. Boyatis from Case Western, an authority in this field, said recently that he wondered how many people could even get out of bed in the morning. Just think of a recent situation where your self-awareness and self-management really “let you down”. Sound Familiar?
In addition, years of research has shown the ways in which we have “go to” patterns of interpretation and behavior that impact our relationships, our effectiveness and our personal and professional competence. What we know is that these deeply embedded pattens are shaped very early in our lives, some say even in utero. All this means is that we each have patterns of thinking, feeling and wanting shaped both by our inherited physiology and our earliest psychological and emotional experiences. Small wonder then that we often find ourselves shaking our heads in confusion as we try to navigate our professional and personal lives.
Notice that I said patterns of thinking, feeling and wanting. And as we develop language and awareness of ourselves and others in our early years, we create internal and usually subconscious responses shaped to a greater or lesser degree by these patterns. These patterns typically function at a subconscious level and determine how we live into and communicate our individual thoughts, feelings and decision making. What a potential minefield!
Now the good news is that we can learn to interpret behavior and language so that we can begin to appreciate both our own patterns of thinking, feeling and decision making and those of our friends, colleagues and family members.
Armed with this kind of information and awareness we can, if we choose, make appropriate choices in the interest of relationships and organizational effectiveness. Years of consulting and coaching have shown me repeatedly how such awareness can be “the difference that makes the difference” - both professionally and personally.
Not surprisingly, feedback systems have been developed based on large amounts of trustworthy data that can show us how our usually subconscious thinking, feeling and wanting shapes our behavior and language which is then experienced by others for good or for ill. We don’t know what we don’t know. But when we can learn to understand our own internal interpretation and go to communication styles, we can then make more mindful and appropriate choices.
This can make a significant difference to interpersonal and team relationships which then impact “the bottom line” however you choose to determine it. And because we also know that personal and organizational stress carries a huge cost, being able to learn how to understand ourselves and others in the interest of interpersonal and organizational effectiveness is increasingly important.
Now this is not a “sales pitch”. But that said, the first step is developing awareness of ourselves and others through behavior, language and choices. Those of us who work in this field are typically accredited in working with feedback instruments and interpretation that leads to deeper self-awareness and appropriate choices. I personally get deep satisfaction in helping clients understand themselves and others which usually creates healthier and more productive relationships, both professionally and personally.
Finally, what “we” also know is that this kind of awareness and selfmanagement is even more critical in stressful times. And that ongoing stress seriously aggravates reactive behavior. No one would deny that we live in extremely stressful times. My experience has shown repeatedly that this kind of self-awareness can help each of us navigate more effectively.
The byline for Maynestay Consulting Group, is “Navigating purposefully through turbulence and change.” Though we chose this many years ago it has never seemed more apt.
Thanks for reading. Tamsen Glover, CMC, PCC, M.Div.